The Not So Secret Diary of a StepMom

I'm so lucky to say that I have a beautiful, strong, fulfilling relationship with my Stepdaughter.   
NOW.  
But getting to this happy, healthy place where she is happy to empty the dishwasher without placing a hex on me and I don't spend my time in the shower sobbing over some shisty Facebook post from peanut galleries of gremlins....well, it wasn't easy.  But the point is, we made it! We grew to accept and love one another.  We've learned to turn off outside noise and trust in the love we have for the family we've created.  And when all else fails... there's hot chocolate! And I know I'm not the only one, Melissa Ethridge, so here is my no-nonsense guide for step parent survival.


In The Beginning....Everyone Will Hate You. Accept This and Move On:

Here's the deal: You are a slut.  You are a bitch.  You are ruining everything!  Hey. You are probably even responsible for the war in Iraq!  The sooner you realize that this is likely the place where your stepchild and the voices around him/her are coming from, and that right now nothing you say or do will change that, the better off you will be. Change is hard- especially for kids and teenagers.  Change in the form of the new girlfriend is even harder.  It didn't matter how much fundraising I'd done for charity in my lifetime, that I was published in my college lit mag, that I had impeccable taste in accessories.  Supposedly, this stylish, generous, Carrie Bradshaw wannabe was going to take this child's father from her.  Gone were weekends with Daddy- now he was off to have sex! Sex, sex, and MORE sex. Or at least that's the story her head was filled with.  But in time, as her weekends with her father carried on without interruption, as we spent time together making our own memories, as she saw that I was not interfering with her having a relationship with her Dad she started to come around.  I also painted her room purple.  That helped. It's hard not to let it get you when it feels like everyone hates you but guess what?  No matter how amazing your hair is (and mine is pretty amazing) not everyone is going to like you.  But rest assured, it's temporary and sooner or later the ones who matter  come around.

You are NOT the Mother! "You have all the responsibilities and no rights"

One weekend when my now-husband's daughter was staying with us, I offered her some biotin because she had mentioned about 95 times that she wanted her hair and nails to grow.  Thinking it was all natural and that I myself took it on a daily basis, I thought nothing of filling up a ziploc bag of the small white pills and wrote instructions on a post-it smiling deep within myself.  "I'm so helpful. And when her hair is long and her nails are strong, she will have me to thank!".  Meanwhile...it looked like I sent her home ready for a sleepover at Charlie Sheen's.  Later, that night as I regaled my man with my efforts to save mankind, starting with his daughter's hair and nails- he reminded me, "Babe.  You're not her Mom.  I know you mean well but at the end of the day they're still pills, and she's not your daughter." And let me remind you my darlings, that there are plenty of people waiting in the wings who would love to have you arrested. Filthy, biotin pusher that you are! 
 
You don't have to be apart of their world all the time, Ariel:

 I love the Holidays, particularly Christmas.  And I have my own magical, eccentric, holiday traditions with my family that were created long before I became a Wife and Mom and some times it can be a real bitch leaving some of mine behind, replacing them with the traditions of my new family.  But that's being a grown up.  But one thing I've learned is that some things are sacred and I don't have to fit in to every, single memory.  Some moments are just for my Husband and his daughter, just as other moments are just for he and I.  These moments include the nightmare that is the Dicken's Christmas Village in Macy's.  They can keep that special moment for themselves.  I'll get a bikini wax and take my SAT's over again.  My point is, It's so ok to have boundaries.  It doesn't mean you're not trying.  It means you respect their relationship and know they should have time together that is just theirs (and that you hate crowds and animated carol singers). You show your stepchild that you respect their relationship with their parent and are not a threat. 


Social Networking is not for the fainthearted:
 
Ugh....the fake name I created years ago to see how my boyfriend's daughter felt about me gave me a lot of insight.  It also gave me irritable bowel syndrome.  If you're not up for kicking back with a cold one while everyone on the world wide web rants about how many lives you're ruining just by breathing, don't join facebook.  The good news?  It gets better.  And before you know it you're getting tagged in pictures of kiddens and 'thank yous' for making it, "the best birthday EVER!".



Let Go and Let Husband

I know it's hard but remember that so many of the battles ahead will not be yours to fight.  Let go, and let husband.  If you can learn to take a deep breath and do this, you will have solved so many problems for yourself because you will realize how much unnecessary stress you were taking on.  Some burdens just aren't yours to bear.  You can be there for support but sometimes you just don't call the shots.  Simmer down.


Remember, You're the Grown Up

A lot of times as parents we're encouraging our daughter to, "be the bigger person" but I find myself struggling - often- to remember to do this for myself.  But I have to.  Don't engage in nonsense and remember when you find yourself about to use strong words,  reflect back to the unimaginable horror that it is highly likely you were as a  child and teenager.  God is punishing you for how douchey you were to your parents. Just walk away and make yourself some Yogi tea. Tomorrow's another day.
If You Can't Say Something Nice, Don't Drink Alcohol

Here's the bottom line: the truth comes out when you drink your weight in skinnygirl margaritas and almost everything sounds like a good idea.  But even if you think that RIGHT NOW is the perfect time to cross enemy lines and finally discuss why we all just can't get along via text, it isn't. Sleep it off.  You can thank me later.

Just BE There
It's so simple.  All you have to do is be there.  Be there, waiting in the wings because one day you will be wanted.  You will be needed.  You will be the one they come to for help.  Just listen and love.  Share what it is you have to offer and let them know they are heard and they are loved.  That's the best and most wonderful thing you can do and those moments are worth more than anything. I truly believe in life, you get what you need.  My Stepdaughter needed me and I needed her.  



'When we accept that there has to be a better way we set of a universal alarm' ~ Gabrielle Bernstein