I'm really not into Halloween. I want to be. I wish I had more friends who were drag queens with the desire to deck me out and suit me up in finery. Pushing, pinning and tweaking all my wobbly bits into some magical Chris March-ery but it never happens. Each year I swear that this will be the year I make myself the most magnificent mermaid costume in the Universe. Reminiscent of- but even more fabulous than, Cher's in Mermaids. And before I know it- it's 6pm on October 31st and I'm smudging eyeliner across my face into whiskers and meowing at hateful children who always take more than, "just one!".
I also don't understand people who "decorate" for Halloween. I'm not criticizing. Well I am, but I'll be passive aggressive about it. I would sooner slit my throat then put a sign on my lawn that says, "An Old Witch and an Angry Werewolf Live Here". And I hate pumpkin carving. I particularly hate how good my Husband is at it. He is like the DaVinci of pumpkin carving and I'm usually across the table with a butter knife and a prayer we won't end up in the ER and he's already turned a gourd into The David. But this year, thanks to the DIY porn site that is, Pinterest, I've gathered some good ideas for Halloween decorating that are more Beekman Boys than Witchy-Poo.
I love this idea below. I'm planning on having "Boo" and "Spooky"- and I think I'm going to use a fun dark blue instead of the white.
There's also this one that I am obsessed with
The Colors....and the glitter. AHHHHMAHGHAD.
And I am totally going to polka dot that shit out. Also? BOWS! I mean, that is one precious pumpkin.
And now....onto the DEFINITIVE lists...
A Charlie Brown what have you, is not part of any of my Holiday traditions. No thank you. I have plenty of other cinematic classics that evoke the nostalgia of the seasons for me. And none of them are cartoons- with the exception of the VHS we have from 1989 when my Mom taped A Very Brady Christmas and some of the cartoon, Frosty The Snowman is on there - but that was an oversight. Call me a Grinch- my Husband does. But I'm not into cartoons. I think Nightmare Before Christmas is a shit storm of wrong, and no, I haven't seen it. I don't have to. Jack Skeleton is not a name that belongs anywhere NEAR Santa Clause. And yes, I know 90% of my friends are furious and wondering how they could have loved me all this time but that's just how I feel, ok? Moving on. Here we are in Fall. I die for fall. I die for tights and a slouchy boot with skinny jeans and a cowl neck sweater. DIE. There's just also the joy of feeling cozy and cuddled and you can't get that in the summer . You can't get "cozy" when it's 97degrees outside. You can get menopause.
Anyway. Like any fat kid, certain foods remind me of, and make me feel certain things. As do certain songs and movies. Here are my DEFINITIVE lists of Holiday Music and Movies. I like using the word "Definitive" because it reminds me of a word Barbara Streisand would use to describe one of, or any of, her albums. Or scarves. I also die for scarves.
Jaclyn's Jingles
Last Christmas (WHAM!) ~ it is not the holiday season until this has played on the radio. If it weren't for the frosted tips and fur parka, you'd almost believe George was straight. Almost
Merry Christmas, Darling (The Carpenters) ~ I mean. Sobbing. SOBBING. And I always text Jaimie McMillin.
The Christmas Waltz (The Carpenters) ~ I always imagine I'm ice skating in Dickens attire when I hear this. Shut up.
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas (Judy Garland) ever since The Family Stone I can't listen to this anymore....more on that later
Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime (Sir Paul, or as we call him....Dad) this is terrible. and I love it.
The Bells of St Paul (Linda Eder) I f'ing can't with her and this song, she's brilliant. And I can't help but lip sync and weep to it as I decorate my tree.
What Are You Doing New Years Eve? (Rufus Wainwright) first introduced when GAP commercials were what you planned your week around- this version has stayed with me and it is perfection.
All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah) Once upon a time gas was affordable, scrunchies were fashionable, and Mariah Carey could still sing.
Rockin Around The Christmas Tree (some squeaky voiced person) Wave your arms in the air like Kevin McCallister and get funky!
Santa Baby (Eartha or Kylie) None of this Taylor Swift bullshit. I think TS is a nice girl and I hope she brings a little joy to the legacy of sorrow the Kennedy's have known but lets leave sultry, sexual yule innuendo to the women who do it best.
A Soulcake (Sting) As far as middle aged rock stars go when it comes to profoundly exuding sex appeal there is Bruce. And then there is Sting. If you find yourself plotting lots of 50 Shades/Christmas Carol-esque fantasies when you listen to this, well then....it's nice to know there are people out there as sick as I am.
Let It Snow (Harry Connick Jr) if you don't like Harry Connick Jr. at Christmas then you probably also don't like puppies, Snapple or smiling.
Blue Christmas (Elvis) When I was 4 I told my Dad I was going to marry Elvis. My Dad told me Elvis died, "taking a crap". You can't buy memories like that.
Santa Clause Is Coming to Town (Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band) I enjoy this but will also be divorced if I do not list it.
The Christmas Song (Nat King Cole) of course I put this on here. I'm a liberal. Not a communist.
Honorable Mention :
A Very She and Him Christmas
Jingle Cats (there are no words)
Definitive Holiday Movie List
We'll begin with Halloween-yes, while I detest the "holiday" I do have certain movies that I must watch on or before October 31st- and move on to Christmas
The Worst Witch - Before there was Harry Potter there was Mildred Hubel.
Rocky Horror Picture Show- You either have to be in this show or watch it with friends and perform. It is a part of my legacy that I hope my cat will keep alive long after I'm gone.
Hocus Pocus - No one ever needed another reason to love SJP but her brilliance in this cannot be denied. Who didn't pee a little when this came on The Disney Channel?!
Mixed Nuts - a hidden gem written by the Sisters Ephron. It's so good. Just get it. Liev Schreiber plays a tranny, Merry Christmas.
Home Alone - I can't watch it without pizza. And I'm working on that.
Christmas Vacation- Then why is the carpet wet, Todd!?!
Little Women- When Christian Bale was a young man happy to have a job after NEWSIES, and Wynona Rider was the 90s, my Mom took us to see this in the theaters and wept openly as my sister and I took turns rolling our eyes. This, to me, is classic Christmas. And I insist we watch it every Christmas Eve.
Love Actually- Love Actually is perfect. Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson would've been enough, but no, we've got Colin Firth AND Hugh Grant. It's like Masterpiece Theater on steroids and it's a beautiful thing. My Sister watches Love Actually every year when she wraps the incredible presents that she buys me. I watch it too now as I struggle through panic attacks wrapping the presents I get for her that are never quite as good as the ones she got for me.
The Family Stone- Lets talk about movies that take a turn that slaps you in the face like your mother at the mall in the juniors department the day before Easter. Never mind SJP, never mind a sweet deaf brother and his big black husband, never mind the triumphant return of CRAIG T. NELSON. This movie is so painfully perfect but I can't watch it anymore because I cry too much.
The Holiday- I love a Nancy Myers movie. Correction. I love the LIVES portrayed in Nancy Myers movies. The homes, the clothes. How people eat pasta, croissants, and cake and can still wear white jeans. This one is one of my favorites. Even though I feel Cameron Diaz is horrific and should be destroyed. Jude Law is so delicate you can almost forget he slept with the Nanny.
Babes in Toyland (Keanu Reeves)- If you don't know about this you should probably drink or take something, sit back and prepare to write me a 'Thank You'' note when you're done. This masterpiece features a young, strung out, Drew Barrymoore, Keanu Reeves SINGING, and Pat Morita. As in Mr Miyagi. When I was a kid this movie was the Happy Meal giveaway at McDonald's. I mean....I really think that's all I need to say.
Babes in Toyland (Annette Funnicello)- It is NOT Christmas at my house until we've watched this. I think from ages 3 to well...now, I have wanted to be Annette Funnicello in this movie. I'm obsessed. I also wanted my wedding to be exactly like the one at the end of the film, complete with myself and my new Husband flying away on a sleigh. But Mark couldn't make that dream come true. Jerk.
Little Women- When Christian Bale was a young man happy to have a job after NEWSIES, and Wynona Rider was the 90s, my Mom took us to see this in the theaters and wept openly as my sister and I took turns rolling our eyes. This, to me, is classic Christmas. And I insist we watch it every Christmas Eve.
Love Actually- Love Actually is perfect. Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson would've been enough, but no, we've got Colin Firth AND Hugh Grant. It's like Masterpiece Theater on steroids and it's a beautiful thing. My Sister watches Love Actually every year when she wraps the incredible presents that she buys me. I watch it too now as I struggle through panic attacks wrapping the presents I get for her that are never quite as good as the ones she got for me.
The Family Stone- Lets talk about movies that take a turn that slaps you in the face like your mother at the mall in the juniors department the day before Easter. Never mind SJP, never mind a sweet deaf brother and his big black husband, never mind the triumphant return of CRAIG T. NELSON. This movie is so painfully perfect but I can't watch it anymore because I cry too much.
The Holiday- I love a Nancy Myers movie. Correction. I love the LIVES portrayed in Nancy Myers movies. The homes, the clothes. How people eat pasta, croissants, and cake and can still wear white jeans. This one is one of my favorites. Even though I feel Cameron Diaz is horrific and should be destroyed. Jude Law is so delicate you can almost forget he slept with the Nanny.
Babes in Toyland (Keanu Reeves)- If you don't know about this you should probably drink or take something, sit back and prepare to write me a 'Thank You'' note when you're done. This masterpiece features a young, strung out, Drew Barrymoore, Keanu Reeves SINGING, and Pat Morita. As in Mr Miyagi. When I was a kid this movie was the Happy Meal giveaway at McDonald's. I mean....I really think that's all I need to say.
Babes in Toyland (Annette Funnicello)- It is NOT Christmas at my house until we've watched this. I think from ages 3 to well...now, I have wanted to be Annette Funnicello in this movie. I'm obsessed. I also wanted my wedding to be exactly like the one at the end of the film, complete with myself and my new Husband flying away on a sleigh. But Mark couldn't make that dream come true. Jerk.
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