Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New F!#*ing Normal

Monday, December 3, 2012

Dixon, Jaclyn Dixon. Agent 38D

People are usually shocked when I tell them how much I love James Bond movies. And I get it. To look at me, I scream, "romcom".  And I never met a Lifetime Original Movie that I didn't die for.  But there's something about 007- even though generally all of the explosives and gunfire tends to give me a case of the poops, I think it's super sexy and all of the misogynistic behavior and martinis remind me of my college days.

I don't know why but I just love the guns, the accents, the sex without showing anything! It's so friggin good and every time I watch them I walk away wondering, "what am I doing with my life? I really should be a spy!".  It's like how I genuinely take a solid 5 minutes to consider joining the army every. single. time. I watch Private Benjamin. But I digress.  Back to Bond. 

'Skyfall' was particularly magnificent.  And I was so anti-Daniel Craig I'd never even seen his first two installments but now I'm all about it which is ironic considering I'm pretty sure this was it for him.  But combine his abs and accent with Adele singing the title song in what seemed to me a  ode to Dame Shirley Bassey and the Bond ballads of yore, and I was puddy in Mr Dixon's hands afterwards despite the presence of an overly rowdy Indian family of 30 who felt it was entirely appropriate to bring 4 children under the age of 5 and my public declaration that I could, "feel my ovaries choking me".

This Bond was very dark.  And very Judy Dench and that's never a bad thing.  And just when I'd think it couldn't get any better, Ralph Fiennes showed up. And then Javier Bardem showed up. They double teamed me! I mean I was being repeatedly hit with a tranquilizer gun full of  Academy Award Winning sass and sex appeal and it was just a lot to deal with.  I'm predicting Oscar nominations for Javier and sweet Judy.  You heard it here first.