Friends Don't Let Friends Hurt

Sometimes when I start to ask, "why?" I feel so sick to my stomach.  And it's not a question of , "can I cry?" it's only a question of, "if I start, will I ever stop?"

My best friend is not supposed to hurt.  Not anymore.  She has hurt enough.  She was a good kid.  She is a good person.  She always has been.  And good people don't deserve this bull shit.

I was a horrible kid.  I have been a horrible person some times.  I didn't make the smart, responsible choices she consistently did.  I didn't know my own credit score until I was 22.  And it was only because SHE showed me.  I risked and was asshole-y to the 9th power our whole lives.  And I should be sick.  I should hurt for her.  I wore bras with underwire in them when we were obnoxious, angst ridden teens because I wanted my boobs to look big in my sleep.  "that causes breast cancer" she would tell me.  And sometimes I would think to myself, "well Marilyn Monroe did it and she died of a drug overdose (or Kennedy inflicted coma).  Not breast cancer" and then other times I would just take off the bra and let my bug bite sized boobs take a break.

I should have this.  I have a really strong constitution.  Well...I don't.   But I will!  I will if it means she won't have to hurt. I will if it means my friend stays unharmed. I will.  I want to.  I would rather.  And I can't.  And it isn't fair.  There is nothing about it that could ever be fair.  And I can't make enough soups.  I can't order enough presents.  I can't write enough cards. I can't make it go away. 

I can't. And it isn't fair.